DO NOT REPLY ALL TO THE LAST EMAIL I SENT

I read an article last week about Placebo Buttons. They're all over the place. In short, give people a button to push, and they think they're not waiting as long (like at a crosswalk or in an elevator. We are all just children.)

So when you send an email to your friends to tell them about the dumb shit you just read about the weird way that pandas have sex and you copy a client from work by accident, you might expect to be saved by the "Recall" button. WRONG. Either it's a placebo like the rest, or people read their emails a lot quicker than they do the texts I send.

While it might be comforting to think that there's a way to retreat, there are no takebacks in the world of work email. That which is done cannot be undone. You can click that recall button all you want, but that message isn't coming back. Based on my experience today, here is your best course of action:

1. Immediately email the others you just sent the email to and in the subject line, IN ALL CAPS, enter the title of this post. This tells them you are at DEFCON 4 and there is no time to fuck around. 
2. Draft an email to the inadvertent recipient of your original, stupid message. Apologize for cluttering their inbox, let them know it was an accident, and ask forgiveness. Be brief and nonchalant. NEVER let them know you're freaking out. 
3. If they're cool, you'll get an email back with something like "no problem," or even "lol." But it's possible you might not hear back. In this case, no news is good news. Pretend it never happened, like that time your mom found your porn and you only know because it's gone when you go to look for it.  They'll do the same.
4. If they reply back, and choose to be a dick by telling you how unprofessional or offensive you are, good luck. You might want to start securing an alternate identity.
5. Better yet, don't send stupid emails from your work address. Or set up a delay and give yourself a couple minutes to stop the bleeding before it starts.  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Back

I kind of forgot this existed. I remember starting it on my desktop three years ago in my first apartment that had a tiny closet with black mold on the walls. Inside was a hot water heater and an A/C unit that spewed water all over my floor until my living room was mostly a swamp. It was quaint.

Also, I say "desktop" as in "desktop computer," like the big box you have at work or see in movies from 2003.  I haven't touched it since, nor have I thought about posting anything here. I'm kind of dumbstruck by the title I chose here, too. At the time, I had just joined Twitter because I just got a new smart phone. I've tweeted exactly twice since then. See: https://twitter.com/aspangler01

I could never get into it. I'm not one of those people who think it's pointless, either. I love to read tweets; I just never have the motivation to write them. And now, I don't even have the smartphone. If a kid on the street ever asks you to borrow yours, don't hand it to him.

So, new apartment, new (old) phone, new laptop. New start here.